JUNTRIVOKALE

Marriage is such a beautiful thing, isn’t it? 

Two people deciding to commit to each other for the rest of their lives provides incredible security in addition to all of the other wonderful little perks of being married, and then as funny and as fickle as human beings can be, sometimes this security can start to feel a little… stale? Flat? Dare I even say… boring??? 

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there! 

It’s only natural that relationships, just like people, can fall into a rut and need a little jump-start from the predictability of routine. If this sounds like you and yours, hopefully you will find some helpful ideas in the following 10 ways to spice up your marriage!

Go Beyond the I Love You

Saying “I love you” likely happens every day in very predictable situations: Before you head your separate ways in the morning, before you turn out the light at night, and as a standard sign off in your texts and calls. It’s a testament to the very strong feelings that two people can have for each other that “I love you” can become a phrase that is uttered as a reflex of sorts, with no need to think twice. 

Here’s the thing though: Think twice! Because it is this automatic call and response routine in long-term relationships, it often loses a little of the impact and the oomph that it had when you and yours first uttered these words, right? 

Get creative and bring the oomph back! Think phrases like, “I am so lucky to have you,” or “You still mean the world to me, you know that?” or any other special little phrase that you can sprinkle in where “I love you” used to predictably insert itself. Going beyond the I love you can make sure they are really and truly hearing the heat behind the love you’re slinging their way. 

Get Physical!

At the beginning of a relationship, most couples can’t keep their hands off of each other, but as the years march on, it’s normal for physical affection to fall by the wayside as people get caught up in the day-to-day business of life.

This isn’t just about sexy time, either (although that’s super important, too!) because even just a short back rub or a loving caress of the hand is enough to release oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, and relationships in which couples touch each other often report higher relationship satisfaction. 

Physical affection builds on itself, so set a goal of something like 10 meaningful touches per day with your spouse and see for yourself how you and your partner feel after a few days (and nights!) of intentionally amped-up physical affection.

Share Something New

There’s no doubt about it, sharing new and interesting experiences is bonding, but this can feel like a tall order when a married couple is caught up in the day-to-day routine of life. There can be a lot on the to-do list, but if there’s never anything new and interesting, this can be a sure-fire recipe for boredom in a long-term relationship.

In a world that is increasingly accessible by a few clicks of the ol’ mouse, it’s easier than ever to share fresh, new experiences! Maybe you both have always wanted to learn to ballroom dance; well, Zoom it up and get to dancing in the middle of your living room floor after dinner! It doesn’t have to be anything life-changing; it just needs to be something new that you and your spouse get to learn and experience together. Share something new and grow together so you don’t grow apart!

Mix it Up in the Bedroom

While it’s lovely to learn each other’s every little like and dislike and to create a perfect routine to express your love physically, and still lovely the 2,214th time you’ve danced this same dance, sometimes you’ve got to bust out some new moves! How funky you decide to get is entirely up to you and your partner’s comfort level, but keep in mind that the best way to get out of a rut is to step out of your comfort zone a bit!

Ask your partner to join you for a night of adult shopping from the comfort of your own boudoir and surf a few fun adult sites for goodies like lingerie and accessories. Have fun with it, you can find lingerie for every season… what’s more fun and festive than holiday lingerie?? 

You can also do a little redecorating of your favorite sexy-time space by adding some twinkle lights and candle votives for the perfect mood lighting, and if you’re really feeling bold, add some strategically placed mirrors nearby to add an extra dimension to the experience! There are many ways to build intimacy in your relationship, and mixing it up in the bedroom builds intimacy and passion!

See Someone Else… Together!

When you find a neutral third party who is well-versed in relationships and all of the patterns that people in long-term committed relationships tend to follow, you find answers to all of the Whys and How Comes of your relationship. 

Why wait until the wheels come off to take the car in to be looked at? Get the oil changed, rotate the tires, and come home with tools, tips, and strategies that are perfectly tailored to your relationship and you’ll find that one of the easiest ways to spice up any relationship is to carefully care for and nurture it. 

Travel Together

Traveling together as a couple is a great tool to strengthen marriages, but did you know that couples who travel together have better sex lives, too??? It’s true, we did an entire post about it here! 

There are a few reasons for this, but at its core it is that when you go out in the world somewhere new together, you two are heading out in full on partner mode, ready to take on the world as the fabulous pair that you are. You’re sharing new and fun experiences, you’re not distracted by the pull of everyday responsibilities, and you’re building confidence as you adventure through the world together. You’re going to be even more in tune with each other after this, and any embers that needed fanning are likely to be back to a full-on flame!

Walk down Memory Lane

Want to ride the high of passionate love again? Stroll down memory lane by recreating some of your favorite shared experiences together. Instead of going out and physically doing those things again, grab a little piece of each one and stitch it all together for a unique date night. 

Maybe you start off by having the funny podcast you both about died laughing to in the car that one time all cued up as you lead your spouse over to a bottle of the same wine you shared the first night of your honeymoon. Maybe off to the side is a baby gate with a stuffed cheetah and your cell phone behind it, because on your 2nd date you dropped your cell phone over the side of the cheetah enclosure at the zoo and now it’s a funny inside joke between you two about cheetahs and cell phones.

The whole point here is to share the memories of you two at your best because sometimes the jumpstart a relationship needs is for its participants to remember how great they really are together. 

Prioritize some Playtime

Humans are playful creatures, but oftentimes we can let this part of ourselves go dormant when we get bogged down by the everyday tasks of life. Being playful is a part of what keeps us young and is crucial to friendship in marriage. When the playfulness in your marriage falls to the wayside, so do the associations you two have of each other as being a fun, carefree shelter for the other from all the external worries of the world. 

Playtime can be both adult-themed or completely PG because both are important for maintaining connection and revving up that Wow Factor that you want your marriage to be full of! You can send fun and flirty text messages, surprise your significant other with an inside joke gag gift, or even just schedule yourselves a date night of watching some great stand up on Netflix with your favorite snacks. 

Don’t take yourselves too seriously here: find a way to have fun together, and the more laughter, the better! Laughter gets your feel-good hormones flowing, so you’ll both be feeling great and associating each other’s presence with all those happy chemicals coursing through your blood.

Make their Dreams Come True

Okay, this might sound like a tall order, but hear me out! Most of us have lots of things on the Wish List of Life that are on the back burner, but a little movement going in the direction of dreams can have a big impact on increasing the passion levels in your marriage.

Maybe the dream is a foreign destination vacation that won’t happen for another few years; surprise them by downloading an easy-to-use language-learning app like Duolingo and practice together by exchanging flirty texts and watching films made in that language. Investing time and effort in each other’s dreams fans the flames of passion, big time!

Get a Better Game Plan with a Coach

If you two are ready to play but are still feeling a little bland, it may be time to call in a sex and intimacy coach. Sometimes a couple needs a little more of an individualized game plan to stoke the fire again, and that’s when you should call in a pro! 

There are many advantages to working with an intimacy coach,  including practical ideas and specific tips to help rev up the physical passion between you two. You can search Google or the World Association of Sex Coaches directory, and your physical intimacy pro is just a call or click away! 

Every long-term relationship is going to go through periods where it seems like the spark is, well, just not sparking the way it used to! There are things you can do every single day to strengthen your marriage, but if you’re feeling like your relationship needs a little jumpstart, refer back to this list of 10 ways to spice up your marriage and get your spark back!

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• 50 Christmas Pick Up Lines and Flirty Texts
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• How to Manage Expectations in Marriage & Committed Relationships
• 75 Loving Text Messages for Her: Sweet Messages She’ll Love
• How to Fall Back in Love with Your Partner: Tips from 10+ Years of Marriage
• How to Save Your Marriage: 7 Tried & True Tips for You
• 25 Cute Outdoor Date Ideas for a Fabulously Fun Date
• Top 5 Things Your Husband Needs to Hear (and 25 Ways to Tell Him!)
• The Incredible Importance of Self Care in Marriage
• Affair-Proof: 7 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Infidelity
• How to Build Trust in a Relationship (Even if it’s Broken)

Amy Hartle

Amy Hartle is the author of Do You Love Me? How To Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships, a book on reassurance seeking and relationship anxiety. Both her book and this blog are born of personal experience; Amy shares expert relationship advice from the lessons learned during her own 10+ years with her husband, as well as couples travel tips and romantic getaway recommendations, all gleaned while traveling the world together.

twodrifters.us

Have you forgotten how to flirt with your husband? 

Or more likely, you know how but you’ve let it fall to the wayside. 

You might think, I’ve already got my husband, what would I need to flirty with him? Maybe your lives have become some habitual that the idea of flirting at all just doesn’t enter your mind. This is so incredibly normal.

Even in a healthy relationship, you may be happy and content and feeling close to your husband, but you do miss that “spark” you used to have. In so many ways, flirting in marriage can be a kickstarter for intimacy and closeness. Flirting with your husband could be the simple key to recapturing some of that magic and to improving or enhancing your relationship immediately.

There’s a lot of talk about “keeping the spark alive” in a marriage or long-term relationship. That’s because the initial feelings of intensity and passion that usually characterize the start of a relationship don’t stick around forever. Sure, you’ll always meet those couples who seem to have unending passion, but the secret is, they are probably putting a lot of work into maintaining that passion! In other words, it isn’t easy to keep the flame of love burning, especially not if we’re trying to keep it burning as brightly as when we first met.

But the good news is, the flame of a marriage actually burns deeper and hotter. It may not be as easy to keep it cracklin’ (okay, have I used enough fire puns yet?) but it is so much more rewarding and amazing when you do. So flirting in your marriage is an essential if you want to make this happen.

If YOU are wanting to feel closer to your husband, turn up the heat, reignite the passion, then I’m going to give you a few simple ways to flirt with your husband. Maybe these are things you already do, or used to do. Maybe they are brand new ideas to you. Either way, I promise that when you make the effort to flirt with your spouse, good things will come.

Send your husband a flirty text

Probably my favorite way to get flirty with your husband is by sending a flirty little text message. 

This is something you can do even on the busiest days, and it can have a huge impact. 

Send your husband something that will intrigue him. A sassy compliment or innuendo is always well received. If you’re wanting to create anticipation for the evening together, you could drop hints of what you plan to do. Be as racy in your text messages as is comfortable for you. I’ve yet to hear of a husband who did not appreciate a suggestive or flirty text from his wife!

PS: Texts to your husband don’t have to be just flirty, either. They can be sweet and meaningful, and that says a lot about your love for him.

Talk him up in front of others

Complimenting your spouse in front of friends, family, or colleagues can be a real mood-booster. Especially when you’re in a group setting, don’t hesitate to say something awesome about your husband. This is when it’s okay to brag a little. 

This kind of open praise or adoration reminds your husband that not only do you think he’s a great guy, but you also want other people to know it, too. You’re proud of him and proud to be his wife. 

Being appreciated in public makes a person feel confident and desired. In other words, this is an excellent way to flirt.

Wear something special (or nothing at all)

Getting dressed up for your spouse is a simple and fun way to flirt with them! Whether you’re getting dolled up for a date night together or just decide to throw on a slinky little number to wear around the house, your husband is going to appreciate this. 

Our spouses appreciate when we put the effort into our appearance, of course, because it is a reminder that you’re still wanting to impress your partner. This feels exciting and brings back those early day relationship feelings. And honestly, seeing your partner look their best reminds you of your attraction to them all over again. 

So don’t be afraid to put on something special as a way of flirting with your man, and letting him know you love his attention. 

PS: You might also experiment with a lack of clothing, as this is certain to get results!

Have an adventure together

My husband and I are big believers in having adventures together as a couple. You might be surprised that this is actually a great way to get your flirt on, too.

Doing something new and exciting together puts you in a different mindset and, depending on what it is, it may also throw you into new circumstances or surroundings (such as going on a trip together). This is great because it ignites all your senses and gives you a new awareness together. Seeing your partner in this fresh way and bonding over a shared experience tends to naturally ramp up your sense of fun and flirtiness.

Be generous with your compliments

A genuine word of praise never fails to be well-received, but it’s easy to forget to offer these words sometimes, especially in the daily life of a marriage. To flirt more with your husband, try intentionally offering more words of affirmation and appreciation. 

Be generous with your touch

As with compliments, be generous with your physical touch, too. If you’re not in the habit of regularly cuddling, holding hands, or setting aside time to be together physically, make an effort to add in little touches here and there throughout the day. 

Some ideas:

• Forget a peck on the lips on the way to work. Take 15 seconds in the morning to share a passionate kiss
• Touch/squeeze your husband’s shoulder as you pass him at home
• Give him a soothing back massage when you’re watching a movie on the couch
• Hold hands while you’re in the car/put your hand on his leg as he’s driving

Be generous with your touch and unexpected, too! The spontaneity of a sudden kiss on the lips or a smack on the butt can be a delightful surprise for your spouse. 

Which of these ideas for flirting with your hubby do you like the most? What would you add?

Read these next:

• Relationship Advice for Couples: 12 Principles for Lasting Relationships
• How to Strengthen Your Marriage: 6 Simple Things to Do Every Day
• 5 Boundaries in Marriage That Will Actually Make Your Relationship Stronger
• 10 Relationship Rituals That Will Help Your Love Grow Stronger
• 5 Tried-and-True Tips For Building Intimacy in a Relationship
• 105 Cute Ways to Say I Love You
• The Incredible Importance of Self Care in Marriage
• Top 5 Things Your Husband Needs to Hear (and 25 Ways to Tell Him!)
• Affair-Proof: 7 Ways to Protect Your Marriage from Infidelity

Amy Hartle

Amy Hartle is the author of Do You Love Me? How To Stop Seeking Reassurance in Relationships, a book on reassurance seeking and relationship anxiety. Both her book and this blog are born of personal experience; Amy shares expert relationship advice from the lessons learned during her own 10+ years with her husband, as well as couples travel tips and romantic getaway recommendations, all gleaned while traveling the world together.

twodrifters.us

Looking for ways to build intimacy in a relationship? This post will help you! 

If you want to know how to make a relationship stronger, I have something to share. Intimate love goes deeper than a surface connection, and creates a space for you to reconnect emotionally with your partner with every touch. If you want emotional closeness, being intimate is a huge part of how to strengthen your relationship.

This piece was written by Ashley of Mama Says Namaste.

The Love-Making Myth

Once you’re married, you make love all the time. Right? That’s what I thought, at least. One day, when I’m in a committed relationship, we’ll roll in the sheets all day in pure bliss, and the rest of the world will wait.

Yes, I sense your skepticism. There are too many jokes about how intimacy stops when you commit to someone. Regardless of whether it’s a traditional marriage, common law or simply a committed relationship, I have news – intimacy is not automatic. Can you learn how to strengthen your relationship by how to be more intimate? Why yes, yes you can.

Unfortunately, there are many relationships where intimacy of any kind just doesn’t happen. A random handhold over a prayer may be as close as a couple gets. Once in that rut, it’s hard to get out of it. And soon enough, you find yourself living with a roommate or companion. It’s nice enough, but it’s not an intimate relationship. How to be in a relationship with intimate love is possible.

The Sex Challenge

Back in the beginning of our marriage, we had our ups and downs with intimacy, until we hit a crazy turning point. At this time, we had one toddler and were ready to start trying for another. My husband Nathan was more than willing to “practice” for having another baby every night!

As we debated on how much sex we really had, a challenge popped in my head. Now, if you know anything about personality styles, this is an essential foundation for motivation. For me, I love a good challenge. So my husband thinks we don’t make love enough? Fine – 7 day challenge accepted.

We’ve heard about the 7 days of sex challenge, and we figured that was a piece of cake. So we did it. And then we added another week. And another, until we hit a full 365 days. And we kept going.

And yes, our middle child is now 8 1/2 and my youngest is 5. We’ve added two more kids, so in the midst of having babies and toddlers in our home, we somehow managed to have sex consistently almost every single night!

Seriously. Nine Years.

How To Make Your Relationship Stronger

Now yes, let’s not get too technical – we allow for grace. We may not make love every single evening anymore. But who’s to say morning or afternoon should hold us back? And then there are those days when it happens twice, and we may take a break. Intimate love is critical for our emotional closeness – and prioritizing it is one of the #1 pieces relationship advice for couples.

Yes, my friends, you’ve heard me correctly. For the past nine years, through two pregnancies, we’ve averaged making love at least 5 times a week, every week.

Before you tell me I’m absolutely crazy, I’m going to let you know why this is important, what it’s done for us, and how you can create your own intimacy connection.

WHY?

Before you write this off as absolutely ridiculous, hear me out. Making love every day may not work for you. We happen to both be high energy, active people. You burn a lot of calories during lovemaking, and it’s an endorphin rush we love adding into our daily routine – not only for marital health, but our physical and emotional health as well.

You see,

It’s hard to stay emotionally distant when you physically connect on a daily basis.

Read that again. Marriage isn’t simply a one-and-done ceremony. You don’t just say “I do” and your work is done. It’s a daily choice to love another.

Love is a verb

Love is an action – it’s intention, every day, to choose to love your partner, and to show it. How are you doing this on a daily basis? It doesn’t have to be all-out sex. Intimacy can encompass a lot of things. It is a close relationship where there is deeper connection; a familiarity, affection, closeness and confidence in the connection.

So how do you add more intimacy and connection into your relationship?

5 Tips for Intimate Love

Our family has been RVing the States full-time since October 2016. Not only do my husband Nathan and I still make love on a regular basis, we’re navigating this awesomeness with 3 kids and a dog in a 240 sq. ft. travel trailer. So if you think this isn’t possible for you, well…try my life. I’m proof it’s possible.

So here are my top 5 tips for intimacy – both on the road and off.

• Make it a priority.

This may sound like common sense, but it isn’t. Your life reflects what you prioritize. And life happens to us regardless of whether we are intentional in it. Especially with a growing family and tiny curve-balls of children in the home, you can quickly fall into being a “victim of circumstance”, where you are simply reacting to what all is tossed your way. So get intentional. If intimacy in a relationship is a priority for you, that means you are thinking about it every day and you get focused on how you will prioritize and add it in.

Have a love affair with your partner. People have affairs all the time – they get sneaky – and they prioritize it. It isn’t on the sidelines; it’s new, exciting, and their special secret. Why not shift that energy into your partner before an affair is what you go to? Get creative. Have fun. Get sneaky on how you might add in the physical aspect. Touch is an opportunity for intentional connection – and the more we add it in to our relationship, the more our attention is focused there. You can’t really ignore touch for long – if someone is touching you, you pay attention. Especially if it’s in an intimate way. So fix your attention on one another and reach out and physically connect.

• Schedule it in.

I’m not suggesting that this becomes a scheduled, mundane part of a daily routine. But scheduling it in makes it clear for both of you – there is no guessing game; it’s clearly laid out.

Unspoken expectations simply lead to resentment and insecurity.

Lay it out so you have time scheduled in your day to make your physical connection a priority. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate date. There may be a huge shift in your relationship by something as simple as a calendar alert at 3:30 every day that says “kiss your honey”. And that’s it – just a simple reminder every day to physically connect.

It may be quick kiss or hug. It may be “date night” on your calendar once a week. Or, it’s shifting your routine to include time together – always having your morning coffee together, or taking a set amount of time every evening before bed to just talk and touch.

• Lay out the expectation

For us, there was a time when we had special connection time every evening – but without laying things out, we got into a rut where Nathan felt like the pressure was on him every night to lead the show – so he was responsible for setting the mood, initiating touch, etc.

So we clearly laid out expectations. We had a “his, hers, and ours” routine. One night, the focus was all on Nathan – anything he wanted – it could be cuddling up and watching a movie, a massage, making love, or just having deep conversation as we hold hands on a walk. He would share if there is something he wanted to do, and it was my responsibility to make it happen – to set up the room for a massage, pour drinks, do whatever to pamper him. Then the next night, it would be me – same thing – I can call the shots, but Nathan would be responsible for initiating everything. And then on the “ours” nights, we’d work together to connect and create an evening that benefits us both.

Every evening, we still have that set aside as special together time. We draw a line in the sand for when our parent hats come off and we come together as lovers, not simply going over to-dos and parenting, but the two of us truly stopping the tasks and being together.

Be open with one another and clearly communicate your wants/needs. If you aren’t sure, be open about that as well, and learn together. Get to know who you are and what makes you feel the most connected to one another. This is such an important facet of your relationship. And if you don’t know yourself, its hard to expect your partner to know better.

Looking to experiment a bit more together in the bedroom? You can discover together the things you both enjoy. Check out this list of the best vibrators for couples. They might be a perfect addition to your sex life.

• Make it your routine.

Make your partner a priority and just as much an important part of your daily routine as exercise and meditation. Not all habits are bad – you may get into the habit of vegging out in front of the TV every night, or you can create a habit of daily yoga and/or other exercise. I want to stress the importance of creating a habit around your physical connection. It takes 28 days to break a habit…and a full 90 to really enforce a new routine to make it a habit.

If you make it just as much a part of your daily routine as exercise and brushing your teeth, it becomes an automatic part of your life that you miss when you don’t do it. If you exercise regularly, your body misses it and feels “off” if you don’t make it a priority. In the same way, if you create a habit out of physical connection with your partner on a daily basis, you will miss it if you don’t touch. Our physical intimacy is such a part of our daily lives we really notice if a day goes by that we don’t touch. It’s like missing that yoga or meditation that keeps us centered and focused – and connected – for the day.

• Choose love. Every day.

Every day we wake up, and choose to love each other. Like I said before, this isn’t a random thing that just happens to you. Love is a verb that must be acted on. As a marriage and family coach, I work with families to help them shift from chaos and reaction to a life of intention. The first step is to take responsibility for your actions – to recognize that you have a choice in how you react and engage in the world, and in your most intimate relationship.

When you wake up, think about what your goal is when it comes to your relationship. Do you want to connect? To feel love? To ensure your partner feels your support? Before every interaction with your partner, ask yourself, “what is my goal?” Make sure what you say and how you act matches your intention, and, every day, simply choose to act in love.

Author Bio: Ashley takes families from surviving to thriving by helping them uncover how “the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.” She guides parents through identifying their strengths – and also their triggers – to live with intention and not simply reaction to the chaos of an ever-growing family. Through her podcast, blogging, coaching and personality “snapshots”, she provides tools and action steps to aid families in creating a life they love to come home to…not “one day”, but in the present moment.   

Ashley, her husband (and podcast co-host), three unschooling daughters and dog are RVing the States full-time. They focus on authenticity, awareness, and embracing love in the present moment.

To find out more about marriage, parenting, minimalism, family travel, personality styles and “functional education”, go to www.MamaSaysNamaste.com

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This article on the characteristics of an emotionally unavailable man is a guest piece by Emma Jones.

When I started dating Matthew, I knew something was not quite right from the very beginning, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Our shared passion for dancing salsa united us, and I thought that the rest would come later as our relationship evolved. 

As much as I was trying to respect his differences, some issues kept on emerging. It took me a while to understand what was happening until I heard the term ’emotionally unavailable man,’ and suddenly, it clicked: I had been dating one without realizing it. 

I made a list of signs that will hopefully help you to identify if you are in a similar situation and decide if it’s worth continuing your relationship.

The Emotionally Unavailable Man – What the Heck is Going On?

*A quick interjection from Amy*

First, let’s define some terms. What is emotional unavailability? What is an emotionally unavailable man?

We asked a therapist to weigh in to offer some help in defining emotional unavailability. Here’s what Kendra A. O’Hora, Ph.D., LCMFT had to say:

Emotionally unavailable means that a person is unable or unwilling to connect with their own or others’ internal landscape.

An emotionally unavailable person will likely show signs of being evasive with intentional or emotional conversations and/or unwilling to emote or express emotion. But here’s an additional, key piece of it all: their capacity for empathy is seriously lacking.

I could talk about empathy for days but suffice to say it’s feeling with people.

When describing emotional unavailability, I prefer to contextualize the behavior in a relational sense. Rather than list off all these things he’ll be doing if he’s emotionally unavailable (cough cough avoidance), let’s unpack how it shows up in connection so that you can be well prepared the next time you’re texting, partnering, or connecting with someone.

When you’re in an emotionally unavailable connection you’ll feel three key things:

• Disconnected

Quick reminder: emotion is good, real good! Someone who is emotionally unavailable will likely stick to emotions that are safe for them (e.g., joy, pride, happiness, anger) and avoid emotions that feel unsafe (e.g., fear, shame, hopelessness). By prioritizing certain emotions he’ll naturally create distance between the two of you. In moments where you need to go deeper, connect with a specific feeling, or want to feel supported, he won’t be able to.

• Invalidated

Another layer of someone’s inability to connect and empathize is that when you are feeling they will gravitate to offering solutions and/or dismissing you. This is because connecting emotionally is not an option so they’ll quickly tell you what to do or offer that what you’re going through is not that bad. If you’ve ever been in one of these conversations you know it’s incredibly exhausting. All you wanted was support, love, and connection and you were left feeling stupid, inferior, and annoyed.

• Alone

As a result of feeling disconnected and invalidated you will likely feel alone. Friend, I’m sad you’re here. Not being emotionally supported in a relationship is painful and isolating. You can feel like you’re trapped, doomed, or stuck here forever. I ache with you.
Chances are you can pinpoint someone in your life whether colleague, sibling, friend, or romantic prospect/partner that is emotionally unavailable.

We’ll soon see that Emma was experiencing a lot of those signs in her relationship. Now back to Emma’s story! 

6 Signs of Emotionally Unavailable Men

He won’t show his feelings 

Matthew lived in his own world, and he never said what was on his mind. When he came back from work, he merely said ‘hi’ and retreated to his studio. He didn’t talk much about his day, his joys, or his concerns. If I asked about his work, he’d either say ‘It was good’ or that he was too tired to talk.

He was even more secretive when my questions were related to his feelings, and I could only guess why he was hiding them from me. Another red flag was that he wasn’t particularly interested in my feelings, either. Sometimes in his company, I felt like I was talking to myself. 

Silence at our dinner table became the norm. I got used to Matt either looking dreamily into the void or mucking around with his phone during dinner. As soon as he finished his meal, no matter how much food I had remaining on my plate, he’d jump up from the table and start washing dishes in the kitchen, or would go back to his computer to play video games.

You aren’t his priority

One thing that hurt me a lot was that Matthew never made me a priority over his friends or other activities. While I wouldn’t expect it all the time, every once in awhile seemed fair to me. When I suggested doing something together over the weekend, he’d say he had to check with his mates first. If his friends suggested anything, he’d go along with them no matter what I had planned.

In my previous relationship, I used to do a lot of things with my boyfriend, but Matt was saying that spending some time separately and having your personal life is healthy. I rolled along with it at the beginning, thinking that I should accept the fact he is a different person than my ex. 

Eventually, when our rare trips and weekends together became non-existent, and the only activity we did together was a quick meal at the local burger joint, I realized that a proper relationship should be more than that.

Matthew focused on work, his hobbies, or anything else that was on his horizon more than he ever focused on me. He would go miles to meet his friends, but he won’t inconvenience himself to modify his routine for me.

I didn’t feel important or appreciated, and the feeling of being special to somebody became a distant memory.

He’s emotionally insensitive

If I was sad or upset, he remained cold and didn’t show any signs of empathy. On the contrary, sometimes, he became frustrated and started picking a fight. Forget about a comforting hug and understanding, he wanted no part of it. 

He called me childish when I was crying, and he was cutting me off when I wanted to talk about our relationship and my feelings, saying that he will speak with me when I start behaving like an adult. However, those conversations never happened, and it seemed like he was avoiding any topics related to feelings.

The thing was that he couldn’t handle his own emotions. Any small mishap or frustration would disbalance him to the point that he’d start acting unpredictably, and that scared me a lot. Matt would start kicking the doors when he couldn’t take my tears any more or leave the house when I needed his compassion the most. This was the biggest deal-breaker for me as emotional support is the foundation of any meaningful relationship.

He dwells on the past

Matthew had strong sentiments for his past that were related to his previous girlfriend. He was in a long term relationship before that lasted over ten years, so I could understand it was not easy for him to just forget all about it. The problem was that he often told me his stories about what he used to do with his ex, but he never did those same things with me.

In the beginning, I let it slide, thinking that Matt needed to heal his old wounds. A year later, I found myself being compared with his ex more than ever, often pointing out her superiority. I even discovered that they had been keeping in touch and having frequent calls. I am not a jealous type, and his ex lived in another country by then, but it was obvious that Matthew couldn’t let his previous relationship go.

Haunted by the past, he couldn’t focus on what was happening here and now. It felt like his ex-girlfriend, and his past relationship was perfect, and that I could never level up with his ex. She was skinnier, a better cook, a more challenging conversation partner. Her name would come up every couple of days, so it felt like I knew everything about her, and she shared the apartment with us.

He doesn’t want to commit

Up until I met Matt, I thought that I was the one who was hard to tame and make to commit. I couldn’t exactly see myself being married and with kids within the next few years, but Matthew took the concept of commitment phobia to a whole new level.

Even though he seemed to be serious about me, planning the future with an emotionally unavailable man was mission impossible. Asking if Matthew wanted to move to a bigger apartment with me or go on a trip the following year was pointless. 

He managed to find all sorts of excuses (an unstable financial situation, insecurity with his job, the unpredictability of climate change) so he could avoid making plans together. The truth was that he did not see himself as a part of my plans. 

Matt used to get panic attacks every time I mentioned even a short weekend getaway. It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t about his tight financial situation, but rather about his personal anxiety related to committing to anything.

He creates distance

As weird as it sounds, oftentimes, he was treating me like an enemy. He’d refuse things I was offering him, including my help and emotional support. He’d dismiss my ideas, even though he was advocating the same things himself a while ago. If I was saying ‘white,’ then he’d surely say ‘black.’

It didn’t take long for me to notice that Matthew was always enthusiastic about going to concerts or restaurants that his friends suggested, and he wasn’t too fussy about anything, while all of my ideas would get turned down. When we made mutual friends, we started going out more often, but only when those friends were inviting us out or going with us. That was his way to demonstrate the distance to me.

The way I interpreted his behavior back then was as self-assertiveness. However, when I think about it from the current perspective, it seems to me like a defensive mechanism in an attempt to mask his inferiority complex.

Why did I keep Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Man?

So, what was keeping me tied to Matthew for over two years, you may ask? Why did I continue dating an emotionally unavailable man even after realizing what was going on?

Every time I felt unappreciated or rejected and started rehearsing the goodbye speech, it seemed like Matt sensed that. He switched to the nice guy mode: he’d bring flowers, take me out to a fancy restaurant, and even listen to what I was saying. He’d make my heart melt, and I ended up scratching my head, wondering why on earth I was even thinking of leaving such a good man.

Guess what happened a couple of days later? Yep, that’s right: he morphed back into this cold, emotionally insensitive creature who lived in his own world and didn’t care about my existence. There was this constant feeling that I didn’t have him, and you know how it works: when you don’t have something, you always want it more.

These are just a few signs of an emotionally unavailable man that I encountered. I am sure that there can be more that might emerge depending on your situation and the partner that you are with. The bottom line is to spot the red flags as early as possible and ask yourself if it is worth wasting your time on someone who doesn’t want the same things that you do. Otherwise, you will end up feeling hurt, depressed, unimportant, and rejected. Nobody wants to be there, and I know better that it doesn’t feel good to end up like that.

How to Deal with an Emotionally Unavailable Man

What should you do if you’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable?

A few more words from Dr. O’Hora: 

I do want to offer a bit of hope though for those who are thinking they currently have an emotionally unavailable connection in their life. Not every person who is emotionally available is choosing to be that way.

I come across many people who have not been properly modeled emotional availability, nurturance, or support. Therefore, they default to what they know. This does not mean that this person doesn’t care about you. Please oh please do not mix this up. I hear a lot of women lament that their partner must not love them or care about them and it breaks my heart.

However, just because a partner is emotionally unavailable does not mean it is your job to teach and educate them on how to grow in this area. They likely need therapy and other resources that can help them learn to empathize and connect emotionally. And this will take years of effort and healing.

Let’s jump back to the person who is unwilling to grow or recognize their weakness in this area. This is the person who is choosing to be emotionally unavailable. If you’re in the talking, dating, or early partnering phase – it’s time for you to pause and look within: why are you connecting with someone who cannot support your emotional needs? What are they offering you that is taking priority over emotional rawness and health? And, is this the best long-term fit? These are great questions to begin sorting through.

About the author: Emma Jones enjoys observing and exploring the world around her and writing about her discoveries. Human relationships is her favorite topic, and she likes to analyze them from a psychological perspective. She is a contributing author at Thought Catalog, The Huffington Post, GoDates, and several other media outlets.

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